Little girls often dream of growing up to be teachers, princesses, lawyers, veterinarians, mommies...
No little girl has dreams of growing up to be a stepmother.
Thinking about every childhood portrayal of stepmother, they're always preceded by "wicked", "evil" or some variance of negativity.
Truth is, more and more families consist of having stepmothers.
And even more truthful, it is the MOST difficult role ever.
It is truly a no-win situation.
No matter what choice a stepmom makes, someone else has something to say about it.
If you treat your stepchild as your own, you're "overstepping boundaries".
If you treat your stepchild as someone who visits, you're a bitch.
(Of course the kids' feelings are paramount, but for right now, I'm only discussing the stepmother.)
The pressure of trying to tread lightly for all parties can be overwhelming and stressful. Feelings cannot always be expressed because guilt goes with it, a break can't always be taken because it's twisted into something negative.
When the biological mother does nothing to hide her disdain for you to their children, the amount of disgust and turmoil and resentment is magnified in further unspeakable ways.
When your stepchild is looking at you through eyes filled with thoughts from "home" that carry "that fat fucking bitch" resonating through them, after time, it becomes nearly hopeless to penetrate deep into their psyche to make a difference. And quite honestly, it becomes exhausting more than enjoyable. Always correcting, showing the truth. Not that I ever expected parenting of ANY kind to be easy, I just never imagined or anticipated having someone continually sabotage a child that lives in my home and forcing negativity INTO them.
I have been a stepmother twice in my life.
I married a man once who had two children from his previous marriage. A boy and a girl. They were 5 and 3 at the time. I NEVER once experienced negativity from THEM. Sure, their mom and I struggled at the beginning and had to work through some things. But, eventually and not even a really long period of time before we had a working relationship and then became friends.
The second stepmother gig for me, currently, my husband and I have been together since my stepdaughter was 3 years, 4 months old. She's currently 7 years, 2 months. There is ZERO improvement in that duration of time. I'd honestly say, it's often worse.
Clearly, when my first marriage ended, I had had enough of a positive experience that I was willing to go through the rough stuff to get to the other side regarding biological mothers/stepmothers, a second time.
If I had to do it again, I honestly don't know that I would have. Those hindsight glasses are something, aren't they?
Does that mean I don't love my stepdaughter? Nope. Not at all. Just means the amount of abuse, false allegations, emotional turmoil, stress, miscarriage, financial stress, chaos, double standards, my side versus your side, the continued never-ending drama...has become the point of not being able to balance the rest.
If I could have possibly imagined what evil would come into my life, we would have made alternative choices.
I love my husband and subsequently our daughter who never would have happened if I wasn't willing to make the choice. I'm so grateful our daughter will grow up and be able to say, "My parents are still married."
Stepmothers don't have it easy--no matter how ideal the situation between all parents.
But, especially when all parties don't put the interests of the children first.
I've been fortunate enough to connect with other stepmothers online and in real life with all sorts of different relationships with their stepchildren and the biological mothers and I have learned I'm not alone in my feelings, but it is taboo to say out loud some of the real feelings that exist when one is a stepmother. It needs to be ok to express these feelings outloud without guilt.
I still maintain that children's needs and interests are paramount. I just also recognize that if mama and/or stepmama is suffering as a result of outside sources, she also struggles to give her best to everyone in her family and sometimes, she just needs to know she's not alone.
Little girls don't dream of growing up to be stepmothers...
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