The Rest of the Story...Open House

As our family of five loaded up into the car to head to Open House, there was a lot of, "Do we have the diaper bag?" "We need to take the stroller in." "Which entrance do we need to be near?"

You know, just the logistics.

On the way there, I looked to the backseat and Reag was leaning her head against Lily's carseat. I asked if she felt ok and she quietly said, "yeah." 

"What's wrong, Reag?"

"I'm just worried my mom's going to be mad if she goes and reads what I wrote about my feelings."

That statement prompted George to jump right in and share with her that no matter what her feelings are they matter and it's her job to write about them, talk about them and not be afraid to feel them and communicate them. He told her that he didn't want her to grow up and be an adult who couldn't communicate her feelings to people because she'd never learned how to do it as a child and she's doing exactly what she needs to be doing and not worry about BM.

He's exactly right.

BM had apparently told Reag that she was coming to Open House, but Reag said she knew she wouldn't show up because she never comes to anything.  Tough lesson to already know for that little girl.

As we were in Andrew's classroom, Reag's best friend, Sophie, came in. Sophie's older sister is in Andrew's class.  She was super excited to introduce us to her best friend!

As we walked through the hallways with all the other families, I was so happy to see Reagan's demeanor change from the solemn worry in the car to just happy and the "normal" kid she so desires to be.

"Hi Dylan!" "Dad, I want you to meet our gym teacher! We're doing a dance unit and we're doing a Mexican dance! Watch! *begins dancing*)  "Oh Look! There's Chiara!" "Dad, this is the table I eat lunch at!"

She was just so proud and excited.  It was really heartwarming.

As we were checking out her work on the walls outside her classroom, she pointed out her biography. 

I snapped a picture of her and then as she moved over to show Andrew  and George something else, I read her biography.  My heart jumped into my throat as I read, "One day when my dad left for work and my mom got all of our stuff and me in the car and never came back."

No wonder she was worried. 

Her entire biography reads as a 7 year olds version of a court docket.  Heartbreaking.

I was glad to see that she didn't refer to any of her steps or "halfs" as that. Just brothers and sisters. Thank God for that sweet girl's heart. 

I walked across the hall where the rest of my family was and we walked into Reagan's classroom.
As we walked in the door, it was crowded.

Reag bounced right on in and headed towards her desk a few feet from the door and stopped abruptly.

Her grandparents (BM's parents) were there and Reagan had no idea they would be there. 

She looked at her desk, looked at me, back to her desk and I gently nudged her forward and softly said, "It's ok."   We knew that BM wouldn't show up, but George and I were just as shocked to see them as Reagan.

We moved to say hello to her teacher and I kept my eye on Reagan.  She was clearly uncomfortable and just standing by her desk.  We moved back towards Reagan where she had her back to her grandparents, facing me and I asked her if she was ok. She fake smiled and nodded yes.  No words. 

I said, "Are you sure?"  She said and did nothing. 
I said, "You have that weird feeling in your stomach again, don't you?"  She said, "yes."   I said, "Take a deep breath. It's ok." 

They left a few minutes afterwards.

I realized the reason she kept eyeing her desk when she first noticed they were there was because her "Book of Feelings" says specifically that she's angry when her mom says no to girl scouts and she had written a note to us saying how happy she was we had come to her Open House and it was all opened up out of the folder on her desk where her grandparents had read it.

 

As we were on our way home, the big kids jabbered in the back seat and Lily whined because she hadn't had a nap that afternoon and she was tired. I said to Reagan that I thought it was really nice that her grandparents came since they live so far away.  She replied, "Yeah. My mom lives closer and she never shows up."  Yikes.  So, George said, "Well, there's nothing we can do about that, but you have to talk to her about it and tell her how you feel."

She asked BM on the phone that night why she didn't come. BM's reply according to Reagan, "I didn't know if you were going to be there."  Whatever, BM.  Reag also asked if she knew the grandparents were going to be there and BM said she did, but asked, "Did [Grandma] behave herself?"

When Reagan was talking with us about this later, she told us about her conversation with BM and George said to me, "What kind of question is that to ask your 8 year old daughter?" 

I will never understand that crazycakes line of thinking thank God so I couldn't even begin to answer his question.

Reagan sat and talked with us a lot that night about Brownies/Girl Scouts, her friends, what she tells her friends about her life, missing the birthday party Saturday, worried she'll miss the next one and a lot about her time with BM on the weekends.  For the first time (to me) outloud she said, "I don't want to go to my mom's this weekend."  And my heart broke a little bit more.

For the record, I don't have any ill will towards her grandparents.   Despite them telling Reagan in the past they're gonna get her out of our house (for good) and Gma swearing on a bible in court that I abused Reagan, I am able to do the right thing for Reagan because I love her. I'd appreciate if they didn't try to speak to me when they were around because of the above mentioned and a million more statments to Reag, they also perpetuate the crap with BM and quite honestly, they raised that monster, but I know they do love Reagan.

My only thought about them at Open House is I wish they hadn't blindsided her with their attendance. She is a kid who doesn't need that and if she'd been able to prepare herself better, she would have been more comfortable with them when she saw them instead of just wanting to leave the room.  Live and learn, I guess.

Monday Dump on Tuesday

These dang kids bringing their crap home from school. Andrew has a cough, Reagan still has a stuffy nose that she's had since September. Well,   I finally got sick.  I mentioned last week that Lily and George were sick with colds.  Now, they've passed it on to me.  The chest congestion, cough and general woozy head feeling are the pits.

I need to get the kitchen cleaned and continue my paper purging today and well, my energy level is nill.  Did I mention the 18 month old tornado in my life? She goes behind me and basically leaves her trail of terror. :)

Monday Dump on Tuesday in this post is about all I can handle. 

I've never met a more dishonest person in my life than BM. 

Reagan can no longer go to a birthday party next Saturday. This was after G worked out the details with BM to transport Reagan on "our time" to make sure she can go and we RSVP'd.  Then, like clockwork, BM gets pissed about something and pulls the rug out. So, Reagan isn't going. BM refused to respond to my husband's question of why and told the party mom that they had family coming in from out of town.

What Reag was told was that maybe stepdad could take the day off and they could do something all together, so that's why she wasn't going.  So, either the birthday mom got the lie or Reagan got the lie, but the lie is always the case with BM.

What's going to happen?  Yeah, Reagan is going to be the one to suffer. 

But, when you yourself have no friends, why would you care if your daughter does either?  BM is sick, not with a cold sick. And Reagan is upset, understandably. Add to it the fact her mom lied to the other mom and Reag will have to deal with that too. That kid is sensitive to others. She said yesterday that when the birthday party girl was asking the girls at school if they were all coming, Reag avoided her because she didn't want to say first she could come and now she can't because her mom won't let her...again. Teaching a kid shame...it's disgusting.

Nothing more we can do to allow Reagan to go. 

BM picked out a birthday party pattern Reagan didn't want and told Gma to buy and same with Valentine's cards.  The kid's almost 8 freaking years old. Let her have some voice, crazycakes.   Or better yet, you deal with the birthday stuff at school since this is "your year" and we'll handle Valentine's since it's during "our time" and she gets to pick her own stuff.  Control freak.    Don't worry all adults involved know your dishonest nature. 

Got another email yesterday for yet another Brownie activity...on a Saturday.  Chalk it up to another missed participation for Reagan. 

Funny thing is, if BM didn't pull the refusal to drive her kid to school and custody was left the same as it was for the previous two years, Reagan wouldn't miss a single activity for Brownies. Yep, she'd be able to go to the zoo overnight, she'd attend every Saturday activity, every birthday party.  EVERY. SINGLE. THING. But, again BM selfishness took control like always and she refused to transport her daughter to a better school.

And yeah, I know how it goes because when we had Reag Wednesday through Saturday, we did BOTH jobs--the tough school week, parenting gig AND the fun, active parenting gig.  Now, we've got doctors appointments, counseling appointments, activities, school, chores, family time, dinner, bath, bedtime all to cram into the week and BM gets the role of "Disneyland Mom" only there's nothing Disney about it.  No fun AND no work.  BM wants  the title of "mom", but without any of the work it takes. 

Giving birth isn't the hard part, being a mother is.  Thank God she has me. I just wish we didn't have to counteract and undo all the damaging effects that is BM.

Yes, you read that right. No longer does BM take Reagan to the dentist, her counselor, the doctor in additon to refusing to let her participate in normal kid activities on the weekends. She just bitches about us doing it.
Holding your kid hostage in a townhouse because YOU are scared of the world, is insanity. 

I wish she'd realize that she'd have a BETTER relationship with her daughter, if she actually participated in Reagan's life by allowing Reag to participate in normal activities. Go and chaperone your daughter at the zoo. Take her and work the cookie booth with other Brownies and moms. Take her yourself to the birthday party and STAY. 

Instead ground the kid for telling her dad the truth on the phone, hold her coat hostage because she needed to wear tennis shoes from here instead of the boots she had from your house and then tell her, "Now you can wear your coat back to your dad's since your boots came home."  Seriously????? What the FUCK is wrong with you?  Your kid pays the price.  This I know because we are the ones the counselor, teacher, and every other significant adult in her life contacts to share about Reagan. 

As I said before, you keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep doing what I'm doing because "Mom" isn't just a word in my house. It's an honor I hear from three children, not just the two I gave birth to.

my christmas present from reagan ♥

Making a Difference

Well, it's Monday again and although there is always frustration that accompanies them in the Reagan transition, I'm choosing to write about something different today.

If you remember last week, Reagan had a lot of emotional dumping to do in order to start her week off.  She is growing so much in her communication and expression and we are so proud of her. We've seen her offer opinions that are different than ours without that pleasing notion and fear of disappointing us. We've given her examples of when to speak up without fear of getting in trouble, AS they're happening.  She asks a lot of questions and we watch her soak it all in.  She knows she is a part of our family on good days and bad days. She's not someone who visits and we have to find a place for her to sleep.  This is her home.  It is evidenced by her behavior as a typical 7 year old who leaves her toys out, drops a sock on the way back from the bathroom and doesn't pick it up without being told, her clothes not making into the hamper, but instead right in front of it.  She's comfortable. She's safe. She knows she's accepted. She knows she's loved.

I've expressed my feelings about lying on numerous occasions, most recently pertaining to Reagan.

Last week, Reagan came home from school with an announcement:

"Attention Family. I wrote you a letter during recess today and I'd like to share it. Do you want to read it yourself or do you want me to read it to you?"

We left it up to her.

She decided to read it aloud.

I'm very happy with what we are doing in our home, not matter what is thrown our way.

The Monday Dump

So par for Mondays, the drama comes home with Reagan as she empties her emotional tank to be able to leave her weekend behind and focus on life, school and being happy. 

Funny enough, this morning I received a text from a friend that said, "Happy Monday!" and my reply jokingly was, "It is?"  Literally the moment after it sent, my phone rang. I saw it was a school number. It was 8:56am. School starts at 9.

"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me Reagan."
"Hi honey. What's going on?"
"My mom told me when I got into school to call you to bring tennis shoes for me because she sent me in my boots and I have gym today."
"Sure thing, Reag. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Easy peasy. Kid taken care of.
We literally live 5 minutes from school. That was no big deal to bring her shoes.

George had JUST addressed this issue about gym days and tennis shoes with BM last week. If the kids don't have appropriate shoes, they have to sit out and she has had to sit out on BM's watch.  Like Reag needs any more singling out. Just send your kid to school on the ONE day you take her actually prepared for school. And tell her to go into school and call ME to take care of it.  Ummm, why don't YOU call me and say you've sent her unprepared and can I come fix it?

I expect my Monday afternoons to be filled with crap. But, dealing with BM b.s. at the very beginning of my day pissed me off. 

Thanks for the ear, friend.

Recent crazycakes:
~"You and Lily shouldn't share a room because half sisters and brothers aren't really related."
~"Why would you want Stephanie to go with you since she's not even really related to you?"
~*as quoted by a 7 year old child who heard this regardless of what was said.

I can't even really write any more of what is said because I'm so appalled by the absurdity and the stupidity of it all.  Those two were my "favorites" though.

Apparently genetics wasn't taught in your private school.  Apparently, it makes you feel better to degrade our relationship, but she and I share the same last name and for nearly 5 of her 8 years, I have been there. 

And if she's "not really even related" to me, I'm sure glad she's comfortable enough to call me when she needs taken care of.  You keep doin' what you're doin' and I'll keep doin' what I'm doin'.

Happy Monday!