It's always interesting being in a blended family. This is my second time around, actually. My first husband had two children--one girl, one boy from a previous marriage. They were 4 and 2, respectfully when I met them. Now, they are 16 and 14. My son still has a relationship with them, still calls them his brother and sister and still sees them when he is in Tennessee visiting his dad.
Once a stepmom. Second time a stepmom.
I met and have been together with my now husband since 2007. In 2010, biomom informed me I was now "officially a part of her daughter's life." I suppose the previous three years she'd hoped I leave?
I think learning that you no longer have control or get a say in your ex's household, who he/she is with, how he/she parents the children in their home is a bitter pill to swallow. Moreso for some than others.
It certainly bothered me when my ex-husband and I first split up for sure. So much so, that there's a clause in
our divorce decree/parenting plan that says "neither party can have overnight guests of the opposite sex except related by blood or marriage." Or something to that effect. I don't know because I have looked at it in YEARS. I don't need it as reference because I simply talk to his dad about him.
Clearly, that clause was added by me to protect my son from exposure to any number of girlfriends his dad might want to have around, but truthfully also to protect my own heart. I was hurt and starting over. Most people don't think they have to start over at 30. I was trying to shield my 3 year old from things that I also didn't want to yet deal with at 30.
We never went back to court to amend that and since that time long ago, we have all moved on and been respectful of our son and his life, well-being, and happiness. I have since remarried to a man my son loves, my exhusband is engaged to be married to a woman my son loves. What more can I ask for?
The other half of my story is filled with chaos, accusation and drama. ALL.THE.TIME.
As I said previously, we simply don't allow the negativity in anymore. If there is business to attend to with the biomom, it is handled and that is it.
Four years later, her need to control what
we I do, hasn't lessened. That's ok with me. Not my issue. I don't try to control what goes on with her. Am I concerned about my stepdaughter ALL the time? Absolutely. Whether it's her time at our home or her mom's, yes.
But really... Who cares where
I am when biomom picks up? Who cares if we didn't spend my stepdaughter's birthday the way biomom thought we should? Who cares if my stepdaughter's play shoes get dirty when she plays outside? etc. etc. etc.
I don't presume to tell biomom how to feel or behave other than to ask for respect in front of HER daughter, my stepdaughter.
Rest assured, my stepdaughter loves me, is a part of our home and family, is respectful in our home and "gets it" way more than biomom gives her credit.
Don't put your children in the middle when something needs discussed. Hey, if you want to pick up early, pick up the phone, call and ask. Not me. Don't ask your already conflicted child to ask
for you and to choose one home over another...yet again.
Parents don't realize with these actions, they are changing who their children are.
Put them first. Not under the guise that you are. REALLY do it.
There will always be struggles and points of things we all don't agree on. My ex-husband and I disagree still. That's ok with me. It doesn't become a game of control. We can communicate and either resolve it or simply disagree about it.
It's really nice to not have to argue about children in two-thirds of my life. I'm hoping the other one-third will eventually follow suit.
It makes for a happy life!
Here's to hope. ♥
