Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out...The Ugly Side

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I decided that I really wanted to participate in "Pour Your Heart Out" because, honestly, that is why I write. Simply. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. Sometimes it’s inspirational. Sometimes it’s happy. All the time it’s honest and a place for me to clear my head and my heart. The subject of this blog entry has affected EVERY aspect of my life, including both of my pregnancies in the last year.

I have a happy life--a great man, who adores me, wants to marry me, loves my son as his own, ensures we are taken care of in every way and is the father of my unborn daughter. He is the man I hear when I listen to music, that I dream of sitting on our front porch with when we’re old, that I walk beside in every part of my life. I have a son who means the world to me. Everything I do, I do for him. There are not enough words to describe the love one has for a child. I am so happy to have a partner to share in that. I have a stepdaughter whom I love as my own and have, seemingly from the moment I met her half her life ago. She is a part of our family in every way. I am pregnant after experiencing a miscarriage. I love the baby we miscarried and I am in love with this baby in my belly now.

I also have a really ugly part of my life. Evil ugly. It is poisonous and vile and dark and disgusting. I don’t hide it, but I certainly don’t advertise it either.

In most instances, one can simply just make adjustments and shed the diseased portion of their lives. In this instance, I cannot. Sure, I could walk out on my life --my fiance, my home, my stepdaughter, my unborn baby having her family. But, you see, that’s really not an option.

Custody is difficult. It doesn’t have to be a battle. It doesn’t have to be a control factor. It doesn’t have to be something that people use to try to destroy others. As cliché as it sounds, the person who truly suffers is the child. Well, after the molestation accusations, and physical abuse accusations, Children’s Services coming into our home multiple times to investigate those accusations, the police, social workers, countless hospitals, calls to insurance companies accusing fraud, calls to the health department accusing us of having mold, background checks, criminal history reports run … I’m sure I’m forgetting a dozen things… it can take a toll on a person, so custodial disagreements can and do affect others besides the children. Honestly, do you think you’d really be at your best in the middle of all of that?

The weekend following the accusations towards me, I was fearful I would be arrested. Me.
I have NEVER been in trouble in my life. EVER. I have never smoked, done drugs, been in any legal trouble of any kind ever. I consulted a criminal attorney to protect myself, my family and my career. He was very helpful and fortunately, I did not need to retain him as the truth protected me.
I saw my fiance in a different light as well. He was so protective of me and scared for me. We both wandered around our house, not knowing what to expect, trying to get involved in a project, watch a movie and reconnect and just sit together holding each other in silence. Oddly enough, in all of the mother’s attempts to drive me away, she did the opposite for my relationship and my family. We relied on each other for strength and support and we are closer because of it.

That has been the ugly, evil part of my life for nearly 3 years…

And it happened almost from the beginning. When I met my stepdaughter, we spent the day together with my then boyfriend now fiance. It was a comfortable and happy 1st meeting. A few weeks later when I saw her again, the very first thing she said to me --not hi, hello or anything similar --was "You're not my mommy." So at not quite 3 1/2, that was what she learned from her mother after meeting me for the 1st time.

I’ve endured a mother screaming obscenities at me in front of the child, a grandmother (ordained minister) putting her hand on a bible swearing I sexually abused her granddaughter, a husband threatening me in front of my home, a legal system that did nothing when a mother violated countless court orders, not seeing or speaking to the child for 6 weeks despite a court order ensuring she’d be with us, Children’s Hospital and Children’s Services questioning what occurs in my home based on all those accusations.

I’m able to speak freely about it. It’s ALL been proven UNFOUNDED. I’m not a child abuser of any kind. In fact, I am a teacher. I nearly lost my family and my career because of this evil that lives in this woman seeking to destroy everyone around her, especially her own child. However, I believe that good triumphs over evil and that’s actually what has happened in our case.

I’m not proud that I have this portion of my life. It’s embarrassing, disgusting and stressful. We wholeheartedly believe the stress of our trial in court, the accusations that we endured and proved were false and the entirety of this bullshit, is what led to our miscarriage. Swallow that. One more thing to chalk up to the ugly part of my life. And then we’re supposed to live without resent? Ironically, I’ve got that covered. I don’t resent her. I don’t care about her at all. It’s sad that she has nothing in her life that her mission to destroy others is what drives her.

She writes about me, accuses me, claims I had a fake pregnancy, asks unimaginable questions of her own child, willing to put her child through hell, all in the name of what? I used to think she truly loved her child. I haven’t for a long time. Honestly, it was when she was willing to put her child through a potential physical sexual exam to “win”. I realized in that moment, she doesn’t care. Fortunately, the child didn’t have to endure that trauma at age 5, but she will always know that on her 5th birthday she spent the day with her mother and a Children’s Services worker, saying I abused her.

Oh we’ve tried to get this child into counseling. Can you guess what we’ve been met with? Opposition. Who wouldn’t want their child to have a place to discuss all this chaos where they felt safe and didn’t have to choose sides? Hmmmm….someone who has something to hide, I might guess.

It has been shameful to share what we have been through with my friends and family at times. I’m not even certain why…because all we’ve tried to do is the right thing. No false accusations, no bullshit. I guess just because it’s so unbelievable that it’s like a Jerry Springer Show or a Lifetime Movie.

I am not ashamed anymore. I have no interest in pretending my life doesn’t have this ugly element. It’s a part of it. I don’t like it. I wish it were different. Not for my lack of trying, I will say. Some people thrive on drama and pain and hurting others. I’m just not one of them.

When I miscarried, my “fake” pregnancy last summer, this mother knew because my stepdaughter shared it with her. That didn’t bother me at all. In fact, she asked me if she could tell her mother and her dad and I told her that it was part of her life too and it was ok. Shortly after, it was said to me by the mother (online, of course) “You’re a sick fuck. How’s your pregnancy going?” That pretty much sums it up. That is what I deal with. Disgusting. Evil. Vile.

Sometimes it has really gotten to me and I quit biting my tongue and started saying what I think about her. It’s always the same result as biting my tongue. You cannot reason with a person who is crazy. I learned to quit trying a long time ago.

I still have a happy life. It just has an ugly piece in it, that will be there for life. I’m not leaving and after all the accusations and attempts to run me off, one would think she’d realize it, but I’m not going anywhere.

We’ve been through every legal channel there is…Superior Court agreed with the trial court when the mother didn’t like the result of the trial and appealed it. In fact, 3 Superior Court judges basically said, there was no legal argument , but rather she spent 25 pages complaining about my relationship with my fiance.

It makes me so angry when I hear of other people going through anything like this. No one should have to endure this.

I’m divorced.

I have an ex-husband who is a part of my life because we share a child. Here’s the contrast in the exes in my life. One, I have described above. Mine is this: he and his fiancee shared Thanksgiving dinner with us. They live out of state, but we have a parenting relationship. It’s not always easy, but we all have our son’s interests first. That year was his birthday on Thanksgiving and in order to make it the best for him, we celebrated together. It’s very normal for my son. My stepdaughter said she told her mom and the response was, “Well, that’s weird.” No, what’s “weird” is the continued emotional and mental harm that is being done to my stepdaughter.

My job as a parent of these children is to protect them. One I can. One I can... half the week. Imagine that frustration. I pray a lot. God has been good. When I was accused of abusing my stepdaughter, my fiance was ready to pull the plug on our seeking shared custody of his daughter and simply keep the partial custody we had. I thought he was going to have a heart attack that day in court. Literally.
I explained to him that the accusation was now “out there” and pulling the plug wouldn’t change the accusation and now we had to let the truth be shown to protect all of us.
Remember the story “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” ? Yeah, that’s pretty much this mom. One accusation after another and now it’s at the point where we have history behind us to help protect us when the next one comes along. I will say, that major one about me was encouraged by the ethics of the attorney she hired, but for REAL sexual abuse victims, they should both be ashamed for slapping them in face by making false accusations.

I am a strong woman. I have been strong my entire life. This has not and will not destroy me. It has changed things about me, but it has not destroyed me. My relationship with my fiance is stronger…you know that saying of “this will either make or break your relationship”? For us, it literally drove us closer together. There was no one else to truly understand and comprehend what we have endured. I have had many friends say, “You’re a better woman than I am, I would have left a long time ago.” My thoughts are that it doesn’t make me a better woman, just a woman who fights for what is right and who truly found the love of her life. Yeah, he came with baggage. But, we all do. Most people's baggage isn’t so costly, is all.

This is simply a window into the side of my life that exists, but does not rule my life.

As I said, I have a happy life with the man I love and children I love. I pray for peace for my stepdaughter, as she is the one in the middle. My fiance, my son and myself don’t have to live that. The 3 of us have put the crap behind us and deal with it when we have to. Unfortunately for my stepdaughter, she doesn’t have that option --it is her life. We try to make the best of it with her and have spent 3 years ensuring she knows she is part of our family---not here for “a visit” as her mom tells her. I’m sad for her --never having peace, always feeling she has to choose, trying to please instead of simply being a kid. The most used phrase in our house with her, “You’re the kid, let us be the grownups.”

If you’ve gotten to this point, thank you for reading.

I wrote this for me. Rest assured, I know the mom will read it and try to use it against us in some form, but I haven’t written untruths and my life is not dictated by her no matter how much she tries to control everything.

I have no qualms stating that I have been furious, scared, heartbroken, outraged, disgusted, hopeless and a myriad of other emotions over the last 3 years. I’m not too prideful to say that she has hurt me because I would be inhuman if this hasn’t affected me. I don’t pretend my fiance and I haven’t argued about all this bullshit or that it has made me question things about our lives. I am, however, absolutely secure in our relationship and our life together and we have been given undeniable proof that Satan exists and also that God exists. Prayer and faith is what has saved us from all of it.

I am an eternally optimistic person and I know God will continue to prevail.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Mom N Me Monday...A Reflection

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I really wanted to participate in "Mom n Me Monday" last week after I had left our ultrasound, however between moving and the rest of the day's activities, I just wasn't able to get it together. So, here I am ready to post what I wanted to last week after all the emotion of my ultrasound with my babygirl! ♥

Laying on the table watching my daughter...my daughter...letting that sink in for a few minutes...in the ultrasound last Monday, I soaked in EVERY moment. Her movements of her hands, how much I loved just watching her heart beating, her stretching her legs, lifting her head up, just wiggling around --clearly showing life inside me, seemingly just for her to ensure I know she's ok.

Rewind about 10 years to my 1st baby...can I still call him my baby? Yeah, I can and I do. Just not in front of his friends. :)  Here he is, the 1st moment I saw him...9 weeks. I remember my MIL (a nurse) saying "Oh, Stephanie, I have never seen an ultrasound this early that looks so clearly like a baby and not a blob." I was instantly in love.

So, as I'm in my ultrasound with my babygirl, I am taken back to my ultrasound with my babyboy --flooded with emotions of how much I love them both. I am so very blessed to be their mother.

November 27, 1999 ♥

I think that's all I did for hours...just stare at him.

I still don't have my desktop setup from our move, so I don't have new pictures of us together on my laptop to add to this post, but I will!  Although, obviously I am in total baby mode, so I'm very reflective of A when he was a baby too and my pregnancy with him. It's been fun for him to learn too.

He asks me a lot of questions about when he was a baby to make this baby I'm pregnant with, connected for him. I love it! I recently watched a video of him when he was about 2 1/2 and I fell in love with my son at 2 all over again...his language, tone of voice, his actions. He used to say about everything..."It's perfect, Mommy!"

I cried watching it. And I cried again watching my ultrasound dvd of my daughter this week too.

He'll never know that when I looked at him, all I kept thinking was "He's perfect."

Happy Monday!

Get out your camera and get into pictures with your kids! ♥

Being a mom, makes EVERYTHING worth it. 

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Halfway Baby! 20 Weeks

How far along are you?
~20 weeks, 1 day!!  Halfway there, baby!!

According to Babycenter, my monkey-legged baby girl is the length of a banana!

What symptoms are you experiencing?
~round ligament pain
~Heartburn... I have NEVER had it before in my life! I suffered through a couple days and then last night I headed out for:

How are you feeling?
~the days I have heartburn, I feel miserable!

Any Dr. appointments/ultrasounds/tests this past week and how did they go?
~Nope, not again until April

Anything big happening in your personal life (moving, work related, family, etc.)?
~We've moved into our new house! Not entirely settled, but we're here!

Any fears or hopes you want to get off your chest?
~After our ultrasound last week, I finally have relaxed some about miscarriage! It's also really helpful that she's moving around a lot more, so I know she's ok in there!

Any belly pics or ultrasound photos from this week?

Any food cravings?
~ginger ale
~McDonald's cheeseburgers

Tell us your favorite thing about your pregnancy this week.
~Being able to feel her move from the outside!

What has been the most surprising thing about this pregnancy?
~I've been surprised that I've only gained 3 pounds! Yay!

Baby brain moment of the week?
~I cannot think of one particular moment...hahhaha! Seriously, I HATE forgetting things. I can't remember conversations I have had. Where I put my keys, I walk to get something and can't remember what I needed when I get there. G said to me the other night about something I had forgotten, "I can't wait until you're not pregnant anymore just for this."

Random Question of the Week:
How has pregnancy affected your sex life so far?
~1st trimester was slow--primarily because I was way too worried and didn't enjoy much.  2nd trimester is happy, satisfying, loving, exciting, REOW! I love 2nd trimester and being in my 30s!

Yay for 20 weeks,

Sunday Funday Getting to Know You!

It's that time again!!! This week Keely handed over the reins to a man so this week's "Getting to Know You" is from a man's point of view! Enjoy!

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1 - Why did you start blogging?
I've been journaling for most of my life and have always loved writing. I started this blog as a means to document my pregnancy and have it not overtake my other blog about my entire life. I've "met" some amazing people in my life through blogging/internet! I lovelovelove reading people's stories!

2 - Who's the one blog friend that you would want to meet most in "real life"?
Hmmm....the blogs I follow, I follow because I like and appreciate the people who write them (otherwise I wouldn't read them...with one exception noted). So, I'm not sure who I'd chose.

3 - Why are you always concerned with losing that "extra 10 pounds" when chances are your husband/boyfriend/friends tell you that you look just fine the way you are?
I was super skinny in high school and college and didn't have to try to be that way. Older age, pregnancy, divorce and life left a few too many miles on my weight haha. I have a fiance who loves me just as I am, yes and I'm fortunate! After this baby is born, I have plans to lose the baby weight (currently 3 gained pounds!! yay!) and the pre-baby weight for ME. Also, I want to live a long life with my children and I need to start with me...

4 - What's the one thing you wish guys could understand about you?
I don't worry about whay guys think about me, anymore. Oh to be young! HAHAHA! I have the one perfect man for me...and he truly understands me. The best I could ask for. ♥

5 - Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
Nope. Nada. Not for me.

6 - What was the best year of your life and why?
Wow. This is a tough question.  I had a wonderful year in 1999 --birth of my son, I had an awesome 2005 --teaching career begun and 2010 is seriously rocking --wedding and birth of daughter to come!

7 - Name three things you would do if you were a man for one day.
Ummm... I would have to figure out the peeing standing up...just once. Honestly, on the sex front, I have always wondered how the big O feels for the man *(Can you seriously tell I am in my 2nd trimester!!!! REOW!) The last thing I might do is let the house go....and not care! hahaha

*Yes, I actually wrote that and yes I own it.

8 - What's your alcoholic drink of choice that usually raises a few eyebrows?
Being that I'm on a drinking hiatus for pregnancy, I don't have any. But, I always got some raised eyebrows when I'd order my standard drink of my mid-20's:  Jack and sour.  I love it.  But, do you really expect a skinny blonde to order Jack Daniels? Hold the cherry.

Happy Sunday!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Lily Kicks it Up

After a couple day hiatus while moving...we have internet again! Yay! 

It's interesting how living across the country from family and friends, how reliant we are on internet and email. I missed it and staying connected.

We most definitely are not settled in, but we're sleeping in the new house which has been wonderful! Other than the moments of wondering where this or that is...and I'm not quite certain which is worse, the actual packing or the inability to find anything after it's packed.

This is the only picture I have taken so far...

I'm anxious to get settled.

There is an advantage to moving while pregnant...the not carrying anything part. :)  Unfortunately, I'm still tired all the time, so I have a limited window of packing/unpacking time. I am so very blessed to have a fiance who is the hardest worker I have ever known and who simply takes care of us.

Last night we decided to just take a break and watch some tv and relax. We watched Police Women of Maricopa County, which was fun for me to see all the scenery shots of AZ...my home! G asked me a lot of questions like, "Is it always sunny like that there?"  Oh yes, my love, oh yes.  Now, you'll understand why the gray, cloudy days here affect my mood.

I was suffering from heartburn a lot yesterday which is NOT something I am used to. When pregnant with A, I NEVER had it one time. I didn't have any in our angel baby's pregnancy either. Ugh! It has only been occassionally with this pregnancy, but when it happens, it pretty much sucks. 

So, I just tried to lay down and relax. I drank some milk which helped a bit. All of a sudden, Lily decided to get active and I put my hand on my stomach...she's up really high-- and I screamed to G, "Oh! I think you can feel her finally! I felt her on the outside!"  He was able to catch a momentary kick!

I'm looking forward to many more kicks and movements!

Happy Friday! Looking forward to the weekend and getting that kitchen in order tonight!  I'm secretly anxious for the crib to be put together....it's in the room in pieces and I just can't wait to see it together!

Why do I still have these things and why have I moved them across the country and moved them again?

I need to get that film developed and see what's on it....do they still develop film? hahahaha

Monday, March 22, 2010

1st Big Photoshoot!

We just left our ultrasound...the "big one" and are so thankful that Lily is measuring right on and all of her body parts are present and accounted for.  She is growing as she should be!! I cannot express how relieved I really am!  YAY!!!

It's part of that fear of miscarriage/losing her/something being wrong that has plagued me since miscarrying last summer. I cried again as soon as I saw her heart beating --such a beautiful sight to see!! ♥

G and I sat and watched the monitor and about 2 minutes in, he said, "Is everything ok so far?"...seemingly reading my mind.  The ultrasound tech said, "I have to look at everything and if there is something wrong, I will let you know at the end."  Which increases a little anxiety in me, of course.

We watched as the ultrasound tech measured everything --legs, feet, brain, stomach, eyes, lips, arms, hands, heart, spine, etc.
Lily stretched her legs out, moved her arms a lot and did this funny little motion with her head...lifting up her chin over and over really fast as if to say "What's up?"  It was really cute and funny. We were cracking up that we were clearly able to see her toes and she has G's feet...they are SOOOOOO long!

We are so happy everything is good with her and will continue to pray for the same! 

After our CVS, we found out that I have something called "placental mosaicism"...which is basically the placenta having an extra chromosome. Not the baby, but the placenta.

I had 2 cells come back with an extra 16 chromosome. Because it was only 2 and not all of the cells, or the majority of the cells, is why it's determined to be in the placenta, but not the baby. Our CVS results were still considered "normal."
The concern with the mosaicism, is that the baby wouldn't be growing as she's supposed to. In order to monitor that, we will have "growth scan" ultrasounds every 4 weeks from now on. The benefit, obviously, is to see her all the time!

This ultrasound, today, which showed the baby continuing to grow on schedule, put us more at ease!  We just had the back-of-our-mind concerns prior to today... In our previous ultrasounds, we knew she was measuring ok, so we just prayed for that continuance!

We seriously just cannot say how excited we are!

Lily seemed to enjoy her 1st big photoshoot today too!

We got some great pictures and a DVD of the entire ultrasound!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

19 Weeks!

How far along are you?
~19 weeks, 1 day! ( I decided to celebrate my pregnancy and birthday together. :) )

According to Babycenter:

"Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.

Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid."

I wonder who decided to compare babies to fruits and vegetables?

What symptoms are you experiencing?
~peeing all the time
~sciatic nerve pain

How are you feeling?
~I'm still tired all the time!
~I'm having a harder time bending over to get things which is uncomfortable
~frisky -reow!

Any Dr. appointments/ultrasounds/tests this past week and how did they go?
~None this past week...but ultrasound and doctor appointment Monday!

Anything big happening in your personal life (moving, work related, family, etc.)?
~Turning 37 soon
~Getting ready to move
~wedding planning

Any fears or hopes you want to get off your chest?
~I was talking with a friend today about how here I am 19 weeks --almost halfway through my pregnancy--and everyday I still worry about miscarriage. I guess it's not something that ever goes away. It' isn't overwhelming or causes me a lot of stress, as I have learned to manage that, but it is a worry that seemingly never goes away. I certainly didn't anticipate that during this pregnancy at all...

Any belly pics or ultrasound photos from this week?

Any food cravings?
~Special K with Red Berries

Tell us your favorite thing about your pregnancy this week.
~Feeling her move more and announcing her name to our friends and family!

What has been the most surprising thing about this pregnancy?
~It has surprised me how quickly we've gotten to 19 weeks and also how sore I am at the end of everyday. There is a HUGE difference being pregnant in your 20s versus 30s!

Random Question of the Week:
What have you done so far to prepare, mentally or physically for baby (purchases, plans, redecorating etc)?Mentally, to some degree, I think we've been prepared for this baby since our miscarriage last summer...We have desired her, loved her and anticipate her arrival everyday. Physically, we have just begun to work on her room! We have made a few purchases and have found what we want as far as almost everything! We're still searching for the right stroller because Daddy and I are both tall, so we need one that we won't have to hunch over to push. :)

Sunday's Getting to Know You

It's Sunday's "Getting to Know You" with Keely at http://www.mannland5.com/. Click to play and link up!
She's got a great blog and I've "met" a lot of great women this week. :)

1. What year did you graduate high school?
1990! My 20 year high school reunion is this year ---I CANNOT believe I have ANYTHING that I've known or done for TWENTY years! At least my spirit is youthful... :)

2. What part of your body do you neglect the most?
my feet and toes...but that's about to change!  I'm getting a pedicure this week and I've decided for my own birthday gift to myself (and because my pregnant belly is making it more difficult to paint own toenails), I'm going to get regular pedis. Ahhhhh.....I can't wait!

3. Beach house or Lake house?
Hmmm....I'd like to say both because I love both. But, I will say lake because we all love to fish, be on a boat, camp and play outside. My fiance is afraid of sharks and I've been stung by a jellyfish (worse pain than childbirth!) so there's the hestitancy in the ocean. :)

4. Mac or PC?
I'm a PC. Last time I used a Mac was when I was a junior in high school...ummm 21 years ago. ;)

5. Did you wear braces?
Nope! Blessed with straight teeth...here's hoping my kids get them! A is looking good so far as his permanent teeth are coming in and well, this baby is still cooking.

6. If you could be one person for a day..living or deceased..who would you be?
I think I'd have to choose a President. Just to see.

7. How many times have you moved in your life?
A LOT! For awhile I seemed I moved every year! Hmmm...1st move at 6 years old across the country from PA to AZ. I think, 13! That's in and out of apartments in college, back across country from AZ to TN, back to AZ and finally back to PA two years ago. Sheesh. I hate moving!

8. Would you rather cook or clean?
Neither. Sometimes I love both, but right now I have very little energy for anything these days...hoping it comes back SOON! Fortunately, I have a good man who loves me and takes care of me in every way. ♥

Happy Sunday!

Friday, March 19, 2010

What's in a Name?

Well, we have decided on a name for our daughter!!! Yippee!!

When I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I had a dream one night that we were having a girl. It wasn't too strange other than she completely flipped around in the womb and you could visually see her turn --like complete outline of her body--which freaked me out a little bit. It's hard to describe really, but strange in my dream. So in this dream she already had a name.

When I woke up, I told G and he said, "I really like that!"  That was pretty much the extent of our conversation until after our genetic testing when we knew she was a girl. I asked him about it again, kept looking at other names but couldn't really find anything else that I loved or that seemed like it was supposed to be hers. So, first name set for sure. We had to move on to the middle name. G was looking for a European middle name --particularly Slovakian. He found a couple he kinda liked, a couple he liked but knew I'd hate and then we both found one...the same one. Meant to be.

First name, check. Middle name, check.

Moving onto last name.  Of course she'll have G's last name, as my name will also be his soon too. There was one more thing I wanted to happen though... I wanted this baby to have a connection to my family in name and primarily to A since they won't have the same last name. So, through my pregnancy emotional hormonal tears, I explained all of this to G and that I wanted my maiden name to be on her birth certificate too. He knows me, loves me and of course wants that for A and for me too. So, at last await....

That's the story of how she got her name...
We love it and her so much already!

5 Question Friday

My Little Life
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1. Have you ever had a celeb sighting?
Actually, I have met a lot of celebrities and been really lucky to have done so! I don't take that lightly how fortunate I have been. :)

One of my favorite" run-ins" though was in the Nashville airport in 1996, where I was buying a magazine and was in line behind Dick Clark buying...a Clark Bar. This was pre-digital camera and cellphone for me.

2. What temperature do you keep your house?
Usually around 62 (winter time). In the winter, we use blankets and in the summer we use fans!

3. Do you notice dust at other peoples homes?
Not really. I do notice that even though I grew up in the desert, there is MORE dust in PA in my house no matter how much I dust!

4. What's the worst job you ever had?
Hmmm....I sold pagers, yes, I'm that old, for about 3 days in a kiosk in the mall 18 years ago and it was AGONY! Hence, the 3 days.

5. What is your most sentimental possession?
This question is WAY too hard for me... my engagement ring, my "daddy's little girl" necklace my dad gave me when I was 18, my son's 1st shoes, photographs... I'm very sentimental. So those are just a few!

Happy Friday!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mom 'n Me Monday

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I've been reading a lot of pregnancy and mom blogs lately, thinking about my pregnancy, my miscarriage and my pregnancy 10 years ago a lot. The significant moments during each of those...

I came across one blog in particular that started a Monday bloghop about pictures of moms with their kids. Her post was very short and and the best kind of simple ~it was so moving that it brought me to tears...
*Click on the "Mom 'n Me Monday" button to link up and to see her blog*

It made me think about the moment I found out A was a boy during my pregnancy 10 years ago. I knew with everything in me that he was a boy from just about the beginning on. I was so happy to be having a son! I was even more in love with him from that moment on...

His dad and I divorced when he was 2 1/2 and until 3 years ago, it was just the two of us. We went through a lot together, just the two of us, and we have always been very close.

As I was thinking about his life from the moment I found out he was a boy on and how excited he is to now have a baby sister, I started mentally flipping through my photographs of he and I...

In anticipation of his sister's arrival, he asks a lot of questions about when he was a baby. :) He is really excited --he's already given his baby sister a nickname, he hugs my belly each morning and tells her "good morning", was so sweet when he said a few weeks ago "I think this one's gonna stick, Mom" (referring to our miscarriage last summer) and is just genuinely a caring big brother. I love him more than he will ever know and I decided to pick a couple pictures from further past moments that I loved for the "Mom 'n Me Monday".

In October 2004, after A and I had moved back to AZ from Tennessee the previous year, we headed to Nashville to attend one of my best friend's wedding. She was and is such an important part of both of our lives and has been since A was 11 weeks old.
At her reception, my almost 5 year old son asked me to dance with him... He wasn't quite sure what to do, but he had melted my heart with it... This was a picture taken during the 1st time my son asked me to dance...

In December 2005, I had completed my Bachelor's of Arts in Education at Arizona State University. This was the culmination of beginning college in 1990, a single 17 year old kid who left school a couple years later for a billion reasons, but it was to be my life's path. After my divorce, I returned a 30 year old single mother, determined to live a happy and hopeful life for myself and my son. A and I both went through my return to college and when graduation came, I couldn't have been more honored to have shared it with my son!

I actually am really good about taking pictures and also including myself in them...that started after my dad died when I was 22, so my family just knows, the camera goes everywhere and everyday life is captured in photos...

I am looking forward to many more pictures together with my son and many pictures with my daughter...for now, her pictures with me are just of my belly. :)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

18 weeks~ My baby, the bell pepper

How far along are you?
18 weeks, 1 day ~~

*According to Babycenter:
Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and she weighs almost 7 ounces. She's busy flexing her arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. Her blood vessels are visible through her thin skin, and her ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from her head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around her nerves, a process that will continue for a year after she's born. If you're having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place.

What symptoms are you experiencing?
~round ligament pain when I get up too quickly
~still tired all the time
~gassy --blech!
~amorous hee hee

How are you feeling?
~Overall I feel pretty good, just the insomnia is killing me!! I can't fall asleep and then when I finally do, I'm up peeing a billion times and/or just waking up and looking at the clock. I am finally not so moody this week and back to myself though, so that's a plus! :)

Any Dr. appointments/ultrasounds/tests this past week and how did they go?
~Nothing until next week

Anything big happening in your personal life (moving, work related, family, etc.)?
~I have a new baby cousin born yesterday!
~Packing to move

Any fears or hopes you want to get off your chest?
~I still have that miscarriage fear --more cautiousness than anything. I guess it never goes away. :(

Any belly pics or ultrasound photos from this week?

Any food cravings?


Tell us your favorite thing about your pregnancy this week.
~Feeling more baby movement!

What has been the most surprising thing about this pregnancy?
~The amount of physical uncomfortableness that I am experiencing versus my 1st pregnancy ...round ligament pain, sore legs and feet. I'm old. haha

Random Question of the Week:
Have you found out the sex of the baby yet? If yes, what are you having and what was your first reaction, (happy, over the moon, shocked, disappointed etc)? If no, do you plan to find out the sex and do you have a preference?
~We found out we're having a girl about 6 weeks ago with our CVS results and we are both thrilled! We honestly didn't have a feeling either way --boy or girl-- so our only "insight" was a dream I had around 8 weeks, that it was a girl. :)  I think part of G was hoping for a boy and part of me was hoping for a boy for him, as he's an only child. But, after everything we had been through with our miscarriage and our genetic testing, we TRULY didn't care either way and were so excited to find out she was healthy. Her health we learned first, THEN we learned she was a girl.  (I also dreamed what we named her in that dream and we both love it.)

Getting to Know You

I have been reading "Getting to Know You" for a couple weeks  on http://www.mannland5.com/ and decided to participate this week. :)

She's got a great blog--check it out!

1. What's your favorite Easter candy?

Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. I love them so much! It used to be just an Easter treasure and now the clever Reese's people decided that I needed pumpkins, Christmas trees and hearts too.

2. Who do you think is cleaner..men or women?

I think this is a tough one. Either one. I happened to be engaged to a germ-conscious man who is very particular about cleanliness, but a lot of men I know are just gross. But a lot of women too. So, I'll say it depends. :)

3. Which do you prefer..wordy blog posts or ones with pictures?

I love both! I love to read and I seriously have a picture obsession, so I love to look at pictures too.

4. Were you popular in highschool?

As part of the cliche' "popular" crowd, I'll say no. But, I had friends of all groups and most people knew who I was. I was comfortable in my marching band geek crowd, dated a football player and loved the academic groups too. Yes, I'm a nerd and I'm proud of it!

5. What's your bra size?

Ugh! I'm typically a 36C, but this pregnancy has moved me to somewhere between a 36D and 36DD, which is far too much for me!

6. How many states have you lived in?

I have lived in 3 states in my 36  almost 37 years. Born in Pennsylvania, then moved to Arizona, then to Tennessee, back to Arizona and back to Pennsylvania. 

7. What's one blog you read every day?

I lovelovelove reading blogs and I typically check them everyday. I have just discovered some new ones and have begun following them, so I'm trying to catch up on those these days. Check my friends list on the side. :)

8. Peanut butter or Nutella?

Peanut butter...creamy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Crib Bedding and Paint *paint added

I finally made a decision! 

(And this is my first post on my brand new red laptop!! I'm very excited about this new present!!!)

Well, I should probably accurately say WE made a decision!

As y'all know, I was torn between the 2 bedding choices. I fell in love with the ladybug set...the daisies in it, the colors and the red. Lord knows I love my red and having red Gerbera daisies in this baby's room and decor is something that is important to me.  So, I had pretty much decided for certain on the ladybug, then I decided to check just ONE more place and discovered the daisy pattern and ugh I was back in a decision making process once again. 

I showed G the pictures and left him to look and think about it.  Honestly, he just wants me to be happy and his only request was "not pink and brown". I LOVE LOVE LOVE pink and brown together, which he knows! Funny enough though, I just didn't feel that for this baby.

Knowing I would really be happy with either choice, I wanted him to tell me his thoughts. He loved the ladybug pattern for all the pieces I want to do with the window box, the gerbera daisies and he thought the daisy pattern was very 70's looking and he didn't love it because of that.  I can see that, although that's part of its charm for me. :)

Final decision:

This isn't the best picture for how the colors look, but since I ordered it Friday and ALREADY got it, I can assure you it is exactly what I wanted! I'm so excited!  The color that doesn't show the most accurately is the green in it.

We went to Home Depot this past weekend to pick out paint and we both liked the same color green! We're so in sync and I love it.
If you click on this link, it will take you to the paint color specifically. We loved that it is called "Happy Camper"!

Decision made and we're both completely happy with it and love it!  We can't wait to get started and get her room set up! Window box construction to commence soon.

We've also decided on her name...
but that's for another day. ;)

*** Edited to add the paint color: (we don't do pastel :) )

Saturday, March 6, 2010

17 weeks♥

How far along are you?
17 weeks today!

What symptoms are you experiencing?

How are you feeling?
~less moody
~good mostly!

Any Dr. appointments/ultrasounds/tests this past week and how did they go?
~none this week

Anything big happening in your personal life (moving, work related, family, etc.)?
~Still talking about moving to a new house. It's now more exciting than scary! :)

Any fears or hopes you want to get off your chest?
~I still worry about miscarriage. :( And I check the tp EVERYtime I go to the bathroom to make sure...

Any belly pics or ultrasound photos from this week?

Any food cravings? 

Tell us your favorite thing about your pregnancy this week. 
~Really starting to show where people don't have to wonder, "is she just fat or is she pregnant?" haha :)

What has been the most surprising thing about this pregnancy?
~I honestly cannot believe we are 17 weeks pregnant!

Random Question of the Week:
Are you already planning on having another baby? ~We are totally just focused on this pregnancy and getting through the rest of it! We have a 10 year old and a 6 year old already, so this little baby is both of us and for right now that is enough for us. ♥ We will, however, make a decision not too long after this baby is born since we're definitely not getting any younger!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Daisies and Ladybugs

My favorite flowers are gerbera daisies and I want to build the nursery around that so.... I have been on the hunt for the right bedding.

I found these wall "stickers" and an indoor window box that G is going to build for the nursery. I will paint it green, I think. So the 2nd picture is just the idea --I cannot stand TOO much pink, but I want a little. :lovegrin:

I will put these on the wall:

I am IN LOVE with this window box idea and am so excited for it!!!! (Ours will not be pink though!)  I will also "plant" silk gerbera daisies in the box and yes, we'll have the awning too.

Here are my two beddings that I have narrowed down to:
I love them both and both have the colors I love in them...