...and nobody know.
This past week I was hit like a suckerpunch in the gut with some news about a friend in Arizona. I saw a post on an old friend's facebook page that simple said, "Heartbroken..." I immediately checked his wife's page and didn't see anything new for the day, just early morning hours that said, "I've never felt so alone." I then sent her an blackberry instant message asking if they were ok. And sent him a text asking the same. They are a very loving, happy couple
I got a text from him right away.
"...ended her life today...she could no longer deal with her past. "
I literally blinked my eyes, quickly shook my head as if I would see something different when I looked again. A numbing feeling came over my body immediately as I furiously typed back, "oh my God oh my God..." asking what I could do. As if there were anything...
I had just spoken with her just a day before via blackberry messenger. Normal conversation. She left a comment on a picture of Lily that day that says, "She has her Mommy's beautiful smile." Given what followed, she will never know what a gift that truly was for me for those to be her last words to me...
There are so many unanswered questions. I honestly do not understand suicide. My mom shared with me something she had learned in her life, "They cannot see past the pain they are in because if they could they'd have hope that things would get better." It makes perfect sense. And thinking about my darkest days, I have always had hope and faith that I would get through. Logically, my mother's words of wisdom are clear. Emotionally, though I have been shaken to the very core.
I am heartbroken for my friend (her husband), her 13 year old son and his 11 year old son. I cannot imagine the pain and the journey they are now walking.
I honestly don't feel capable of writing too much about this right now as I still feel as though I'm working through my own feelings about it. I look at her picture on facebook and simply shake my head in disbelief.