Once the physical part of our miscarriage had passed, the emotional grieving began. This was even harder than I had imagined. I was sad. So very sad.
It’s a funny thing when finding out you’re pregnant, you don’t realize how much you’ve already placed hopes and dreams in that tiny little creature growing inside you…so you grieve the loss of the baby and all of those hopes and dreams as well. Even at 10 weeks, 5 days.
I was so emotional --hormonal just the same as delivering a baby, grieving, trying to keep it together and “get back to normal”. I learned young to embrace whatever feelings I am feeling, as I know you have to go THROUGH them rather than avoiding or you end up revisiting them. I watched Michael Jackson’s funeral on tv the next week, sobbing at his daughter’s grief expression. I listened to music that I knew would make me cry to help me through some of that. I talked with G and I slept a lot.
I remember sitting with G on the couch crying that I needed a time frame about us getting pregnant. I had this overwhelming fear of “I’m getting too old” and I cannot possibly go through this again. Although I knew my thoughts and expressions were completely emotion driven rather than with any rational thought process, I needed comfort and answers. He, being who he is, assured me that we’d have a baby when it was right. Of course, I knew he was right, but that didn’t appease my emotions right then.
We were given the standard, wait 3 months of cycles before trying again to conceive.
5 weeks later, my period came… I was driving back from Cincinnati after picking up my son from his summer vacation with his dad. I remember being sad and relieved at the same time. Sad because it was one more sign that we had miscarried our baby and relieved that I had seemingly gone “back to normal” quickly.
My cycle is very regular --28 days almost always and occasionally 30. Throughout the next month or so, we discussed trying for a baby. Basically coming to the conclusion that if we set out to try to conceive, I would be obsessively crazy about what days I was ovulating, if it happened, if it didn’t happen and honestly, I just didn’t want to be consumed by that. So, we ended up with the decision to not not try. :) Meaning, we weren’t preventing, but not obsessing either.
August, September, October and November came and went. I had some good days regarding grieving and some days that were not so good. I cried when I found out someone was pregnant and be genuinely happy for them at the same time---it was just a mixed up feeling, really. Jealous, happy and sad all jumbled.
Early December came and the period did not.
After the 4th day of waking up and still nothing, as I’m NEVER late, I decided to get a test. Was I imagining sore boobs because I wanted to be pregnant or were the really sore? These are the questions that flooded my thoughts. I took A to school, G headed off with R to school.
I was on my own... purchased test in hand then return home to see what it brings. (See this was part of my plan, really --take a pregnancy test NOT first thing in the morning and see if it shows up positive even later in the day, then I will know without a doubt that we‘re pregnant!)
There was no waiting 3 minutes…immediately-
Sure enough, a BIG FAT POSITIVE! I was sooooooo excited! And with an empty house, the ability to scream out loud about it! Y-I-P-P-E-E!!!!!!!!
Next, came HOW to tell G we were pregnant…
A couple days prior, we were having a conversation about marriage and relationships--straight and gay --with A, the just turned 10 year old because of some questions he asked. It was a really interesting conversation and I was surprised to learn he already had some opinions. G and I made sure that what he believed was factual information first of all and then shared with him some things about privacy, as well. G said to him that what happens in people's private lives isn't something we should be concerned about, but rather how people treat others, how they act and behave. Then, of course, he added a humorous element "Besides, people's private bedrooms are where babies are ordered! Isn't that right, Mama?" I couldn't help but laugh about "ordering" a baby!
So, yes, a “baby order form” was the PERFECT way to tell him!
He was REALLY excited!!
He said, "Really??????" Smiling from ear to ear and then said, "I knew it!"
Who knew,despite our excitement, there were still some of the hardest parts as a result of our miscarriage still to come...
Part 3 to follow...