The same thing happens every year around the New Year.... I hibernate a little and have very little interest in doing much of anything. The weather in Pittsburgh is not helpful at all. It's cold and dreary and this year I have zero interest in taking a baby out into that crap if we have nowhere specific to go.
I recognized what the cause of my hibernation and blahs were many years ago and know it will pass as quickly as it comes.
My dad died in May 1995, and the time that is the most difficult for me is around the New Year. I'm a pretty reflective person anyway and for the last 15 years, the turning of the new year has always had the element of "one more year that my dad isn't here." It's during the reflection of all the blessings where that element hits me the hardest each year.
After all, 2010, has been so wonderful in so many ways...we got married, had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, a son growing positively into a young man and a little girl more settled and secure in herself.
One other contributor is the missing of my son...
Andrew goes to visit his dad every year this time of year and I miss him terribly when he's gone. It's hard because between his birthday at the end of November and Christmas, things are so busy and hectic, he and I spend a lot of our time doing what needs to be done with school, activities etc. that we run out of time for some of the one-on-one fun time we both like. Then as soon as Christmas is over, he's gone until it's time to go back to school. This year it's bothered me moreso. He needs the time with his dad and the rest of the family for certain, but it's hard because all of his time when he's out of school, he's gone and I'd like some vacation time with him too. Such is life.
However, I recoginze his absence as a piece of my end of the year blues.
I have a fantastic husband who understands me and gives me space when I need it, doesn't take it personally and connects in just the right amounts. He fully admits he cannot relate to the feelings about my dad, but understands me. He's loving and compassionate and gives me what I need. Exactly what I need.
Again, another blessing.
I don't take anything about my life forgranted.
And I'm definitely not a 'woe is me' type of person. Just someone who is in touch with all her feelings --good, bad and ugly. Writing is cathartic and allows me to reflect on these feelings later as well.
I miss my dad. Some days are harder than others...still.
I miss my son.
I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life...every. single. day.
2010 Reflection, part 1