Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Connecting and Stepping Back

My favorite thing about the internet... connection.

It's helped me keep friends and family across the country updated on my pregnancy, my kids growing, happenings in our lives regarding a neverending  lengthy court process, pictures, day to day life. Well, you get the idea.  The downside of that for me is that it's often easier for people to "catch up" that way and never make any real time connection. I'm guilty of this too. I'm just cognizant of it and when you get random texts or calls, that's why. I miss you.

In other ways, the internet has connected me with different groups of women who have similar life experiences whom I have never and may never meet in real life. I'd been active on some pregnancy message boards and baby boards and many moons ago I was a member of a stepparenting site during my 1st marriage because I was a stepmom then too.  Those children were 4 and just turned 2 when I met them. Now, the oldest just turned 18 last week. I keep up with them through Andrew's dad to find out how they are even though it's been many, many years since I've seen or spoken with them.

When George and I met and I learned about Reagan I momentarily thought, "Can I do this stepmom thing again?"

It was difficult working through things with the first BM in my life for a little while, but we worked through everything and eventually became friends. Her new husband was a good stepfather and a positive influence.

When George and I met, he warned me about the BM.
I said, "I have had to deal with this before, no biggie." HA!

I, without a doubt, can say if THIS experience had been my 1st, I would never have gotten involved with a man with a child again.

Some days I don't want to be a stepmom. 
It's hard.  It's exhausting. And the constant evil makes it less and less desireable.

Nothing is ever enough or right. There is always conflict. Every single thing is fraught with drama. There is never any relief.

Most of the time it's brought about from BM and that's become pretty easy to leave out of our home, laugh at and be done with it. We expect what we get from her.

When I witness similar behaviors in a child, it's much more alarming. Lying, hurtful and hatefulness has seemingly become second nature. 

I'm not her mom. And quite honestly, I have never tried nor wanted to be her mom....just love her, treat her fairly and respectfully and as a family member in my home. 

What I do wish is that her mom was better TO her about her dad and our family.  I've always wished for that.  I have given up hope of that ever happening.

Every detail of our lives is made negative by my stepdaughter and BM together. Whether it's about school pictures or chores or every other single thing we do and are, there is nothing positive said to Reagan by BM about our family.  Just constant criticism. And Reagan joins in and stirs the pot.  She knows it pleases her mom and she gets attention from it.
I'm getting tired of dealing with the garbage all the time.

I have never seen a child derive as much satisfaction from drama.  I find it scary.

I'm at a point of exhaustion.

So, I am in total "stepback" mode.

Looking back on my first experience as a stepmom, I can see the natural progression of feelings and actions of my stepchildren's mother. From rough and rocky moving forward to peaceful coexisiting.

This experience dealing with the BM has been a nightmare since the beginning.
From the moment she knew of my existence, she began withholding my husband's daughter to keep her from having anything to do with his "flavor of the month" (me).  For four and a half years, (some flavor) it has been constantly that same negativity, control, and damaging words and behavior.

And although I am so, so grateful that I have been able to find connection with other stepmothers online, I'm terribly saddened that other women, children and families have to endure similar issues.


  1. It's unfortunate...the reason we have met...but I'm glad we have. You are "my people" and it's good to know I am not alone. You understand.

    P.S. A new twist in the smear campaign in BM's camp. After all of these years (almost married 6 now), I am the "other woman" my DH divorced her for. As a matter of fact she says it was obvious he met me before they were divorced and that's why he divorced her so suddenly! I'm pretty sure she knows why he divorced her. ha!

    That's her excuse for hating me. Sounds reasonable, gains her some sympathy, makes people doubt me/DH, etc. Except if I were the other woman he left her for, who were the other women he dated before he met me? Were they the other other women? So..if her story is true, I met my husband before he divorced her, was cool with him cheating on a wife and then "cheating" on me with some other other women, and then I was so desperate I married the cheater. If that's true, she should feel sorry for me, not hate me :) I lose a little of my sanity every time I try to understand how she thinks.

  2. I am so sorry to hear this, I grew up with 2 step sisters and their BM would act the same way. The girls would also be pulled into the drama, it hurt my mom and step dad, and to this day it has never really gone away. It is sad how hurtful others can be when they are miserable, lonely and/or jealous. Years ago, my mom finally took the "stepback" mode and has been much happier. Hang in there!

  3. It is a sad thing to have "met" because we go through similar circimstances w/ BM's & stepdaughters.. I will say that 4 years ago, before I found an online community of supportive, loving stepmoms who are walking this road as well.. I was ready to throw in the towel. It's because I KNOW we're not the only family going through this that helps me stay strong, even while stepped back, through it... I love my husband & I love his girls. I just don't love what BM is doing to & through them... it's sick.