Friday, November 12, 2010

Outside Elements

Last week, I was watching the news here locally and was surprised to see a story about a murder in Arizona on Pittsburgh local news.
I had seen snippets of this murder on my news feeds I follow from AZ, but I hadn't yet read any details.

It was a case about a 35 year old woman who was dropping her children off at a karate lesson at a church and her ex-husband showed up and shot her.

The reason it was on the local news in Pittsburgh...She was originally from this area.

The woman's now husband...a friend I went to high school with.

I was shocked and saddened to see this man who I had known in my younger years on my local news grieving the tragic loss of the love of his life.

As a result, I have had a lot on my mind lately regarding relationships and the outside elements that affect our current ones.

My husband and I are happily married.
Now, it's most definitely not sunshine and daisies all the time.
We fight. We struggle. We disconnect.

The one thing I have noticed is when we're in that discontented state, neither of us is ok.

We both may retreat to our corners for a little while and then reconnect to talk and work through it.

Outside stressers used to be a greater source of our struggle.
But, my husband and I both agree that we are united against the outside elements that may try to divide us. 

Sounds pretty simple just typing it.

But, add in elements of crazy family, exes, and custodial issues, it has been challenging in the past.
Now, not so challenging.

I think about my friend who now will live his life without his wife because her ex-husband MURDERED her and I'm disgusted by what people do to one another. 
Who knows what he was thinking or what he said when he shot the mother of his children while those children were just inside the building. But the destruction and devestation will last a lifetime for her children and her husband. 

Which brings me back to the thinking I have been doing regarding my own relationships...

I can't escape the ex factor in my life.
Simply because we share children. 

As I have said before, my ex-husband and I simply talk about our son. We have a cordial relationship and our son benefits because there is no conflict.
We don't use him as "the middle man" to relay messages, we don't fight and when we DO disagree about something, we discuss it privately without our son's involvement. We discuss school, custody, birthday and Christmas gifts, insurance, doctor visits --you name it--as our son's parents. It's not a tumultuous relationship... More like a business relationship with the same vested interest.
We've both moved on in our romantic lives --I've remarried and he's engaged to marry a woman my son loves.  Our son has benefitted from having all of these people to love him.

Well, if you've read my blog, you already know about the ex factor on my husband's side. It's consistently filled with that same disgusting destruction I feel about what my friend and his stepchildren are now enduring. Unnecessary.
In comparison to the one ex factor in our home, there is no business relationship between my husband and his daughter's mother. Information is not given to us, discussions are not had, the child relays messages, the child hears disparaging and hurtful comments about people she loves. It is ugly and after 3 1/2 years, it appears there's no end.  It is something we recognize that no matter how much and hard we've tried, is what it is.

Life's too short.

The tumultuous ex factor in our lives was one of those outside elements that created issues we otherwise wouldn't have had.

For us, so much time and energy was devoted to preparation for our court case that we were simply emotionally exhausted at the end and there was nothing left to give. Add in dealing with our own feelings ABOUT the circumstances and occurances all centered around custody, it was really difficult at times.
Today, that outside element doesn't affect our relationship. We spent enough time learning how to work together externally and also within our home, that we're simply in sync about it 100% of the time.  It's a peaceful, satisfying feeling, as it wasn't always this way.

My husband and I were discussing this the other night after we had a different outside element attempt to stir the pot.

I'm grateful for the peace and happiness we have together. I'm grateful for the peace and happiness my son and my daughter have. I continue to work for my stepdaughter to know the same.

My high school friend is in town for his wife's local services.
The outside element in their lives, destroyed lives.
I wish my friend peace and happiness...



  1. wow, how tragic. i'm sorry for your friend and his loss. i loved reading your story too. i'm glad you both have such a strong relationship.

  2. How sad that your friend lost his wife to the hands of her ex.

    I think what you and your ex have is perfect for your son. Good for you guys to be able to work out a business type relationship for him. That is all that it needs to be - an open line of communication.

    I say prayers that your husbands ex grows up and realizes that life isn't all about her.

    Isn't it wonderful having a great husband?!

  3. I'm so glad you and your hubby have an amazing relationship! It's wonderful when best friends get married and are there to support one another though the ups and downs in life.

    As for your friend, my heart goes out to him. :(