One Call Can Change A Life

The sun had been shining all day, we headed off to my son's baseball game, one of his first of the season. It was a perfect spring day in Pittsburgh--pleasantly warm, sunny weather during the day and as the sun began to set, the weather got a little cooler. The kind of day that brings the promise of summer right around the bend...

My stepdaughter, barely 5 years old, played in the grass spinning in circles during the baseball game. She put on my son's hat because she "had to wear a baseball hat too" and threw on his hockey jersey as she was getting chilly towards the end of the game. 
The phone rang.  My husband (then fiance) looked at it then quickly back at me and said, "It's the attorney."

I literally thought my heart would pound out of my chest. My palms were sweating and I held my breath as he answered.  We knew this call would come any day. We had completed the custody trial a few weeks earlier and were awaiting the judge's ruling.

It's been nearly two years since my stepdaughter has come to live with us half time.  In April 2009, after 2 1/2 years in the court system, my husband was granted Shared Custody. 

It didn't end there, however.  We faced biological mom's appeal of the trial court's decision and went before Superior Court.  In December, 2009, we finally received Superior Court's ruling that upheld Shared Custody.  

Today, I read about a bill in the House in Pennsylvania being proposed that would presume joint/shared custody for families unless proven that it should NOT be shared.  Apparently, this bill was introduced once before and is now being re-introduced.

The short version, after having lived through this far too long, is that right now the court decides shared custody on a "case-by-case" basis, most often assuming one parent is better for the child than the other. This bill proposes that the court will grant shared custody unless proven why is SHOULDN'T be.

Doesn't that seem logical?

It would lessen using a child as a reason just to litigate and lessen using a child to "get back" at a parent in an effort to alienate the parent from their child. 

As I said, in our case specifically, from the filing date to the upholding of the appeal date, it was 2 1/2 years. 

How much lost time for my stepdaughter's life being able to LIVE?  She was 3 when we started and she was 2 months shy of 6 years old when it ended in the court...for now.

So, for nearly three years of her young life, HALF of her life, instead of being able to truly live a life with both her parents and their new families, she was a pawn in the court game.

Imagine if this law had been in place when my husband filed for shared custody? Well, first of all, if it HAD been he wouldn't have had to file for it.  But, the thought of how many countless hours that COULD have been spared instead spent in preparation for every court appearance, psychological evaluations, emotional discussions, back and forth, up and down, the money spent on both sides, the number of man hours and dollars spent in investigating the false accusations (that probably would have still occurred, quite honestly), the amount of money spent on attorneys and court fees.

I was reading a blog of a fellow stepmother the other day and found myself reliving much of my own experience in what she was enduring. My heart was racing as I read her story remembering the anxiousness in waiting for results and answers throughout those years.

Given that we live in a society where blended families is more of the norm these days, why is this antiquated court system so far behind?

Perhaps because my OWN parenting plan was simple and my ex-husband and I worked out all the details and didn't battle, that I know it can be done.  Yes, we argued about things---there were feelings of resentment, betrayal, anger, etc. all going on during that time, but neither one of us put that on our son or the details surrounding our son.

I think people should put their own feelings aside to do what is right for their children. In fact, my own attorney listed me as having "sole custody" as it was still referred in 2003, and I specifically changed it to "joint."  Granted our situation is a little different living in different states, so I have physical custody, but we have joint legal custody of our son.
My ex-husband and I were in court one time. ONCE. When our divorce was finalized. 

Simply going through all of that is enough.  Why litigate your life away instead of living it?  At the time, I wasn't happy my marriage ended, but I certainly didn't want to destroy my son's father. And still don't.

Nearly four years later, we still get threatened with court. We haven't been in one year. Amazing!

I would wish for other families to not have to endure every child-affliated government agency coming in and turning lives upside down because one parent wants to "win."  At what cost?  The children in the middle. That's the cost.

If this bill goes through, imagine for a moment, how many children's lives JUST might not have to endure adult issues and simply get to be children.  I have one child of divorce in my home who has a childhood and one child of a split who speaks more adult-like than most adults I know.  I hope other children can be offered the former.

Children have the RIGHT to have BOTH their parents in their lives when their parents are fit.  They didn't ask to be born or for you to split and when you look your child in the eyes and speak badly about their other parent, you are speaking badly about half of your own child.  Simply.

Here's a copy of the original bill to be re-introduced: HB 463



Call or email your representatives in Pennsylvania and show your support of this bill! Do it whether it affects your life personally or not...because ultimately, ALL of these children are our future. And if your state doesn't have a similar law, push for one.   Find Your Legislator Here