Role of a Stepmom

Last week I wrote about  about my frustration exhaustion with dealing with issues with biomom from spelling lists to room sharing.  You name it, there's issue. 

Well, it prompted biomom to post about her intentions and how much of a liar I am.  It pushed me to the edge point of utter exhaustion.  So, I picked up the phone and called her. I told her I was sick and tired of dealing with this crap week in and week out.   She listened and expressed her thoughts.  Now mind you, I typically don't speak with biomom at all.
We disagreed about some things which is expected, but it wasn't a horrible conversation. My point was to express my feelings that we all need to get on the same page to parent this child who lives in both of our homes. 

I received an email the next day from her.  I read it and responded to the email and her blog post via email.  I didn't filter my feelings or temper my words by worrying about how it would be twisted or turned. I was straightforward.  I was asked to give her the benefit of the doubt. I asked for the same.

Emailing hasn't worked for us in the past, so I suggested talking as we did last Friday after these initial emails. Said the ball was in her court. 

One of the key things she keeps mentioning is that I "stick my nose where it doesn't belong", "force intentions" (I don't even understand what that actually means) and I don't know my "role as a step parent". (For the record, the word "stepparent" "stepmom" etc. is a compound word that is one word and needs no hyphen.)  Grammar Police

I asked her to perhaps start by telling me what she feels the role of a stepmom is and whether we disagree or not, at least I can know where she's coming from.

So, what actually IS the role of a stepmom? 

Clearly, everyone's answers will differ depending on your family make-up, but in the BLENDING of our family, my husband and I have worked very diligently to ensure that both of our (separate) children feel a part of our family.

This was initially moreso for Reagan, prior to us having shared custody, because when she only came every other weekend, we wanted to be certain she felt a part of  our family and not simply a visitor.  We've continued to do that even with her being here half of each week. It seems like such a small thing, but really can be impactful on a child.

When Lily was born, we were again faced with ensuring that the older kids knew they were important just the same as they were before. 

My husband's schedule is such that some nights, it is just me with the kids.  This has been a source of contention for biomom from the beginning. She's felt Reagan should be here ONLY when her dad is here. That's fine that's her feeling as it's not my job or interest to change her feelings. But, it's not the way it actually is.  So, it is equated with George doesn't care or have interest in their daughter. Whatever. If that's what makes her happy, then feel that. It's not the case and it's not my job to convince her otherwise.  Think what you wish.

Biomom told me to "worry about your own kids and let me take care of mine" because Reagan "has 2 parents and doesn't need [me] stepping in."  

Remember... I asked biomom to tell me what she feels the role of a stepmom is.

I was pretty shocked that the expectation is for me to treat my stepdaughter differently. 
And I'm not sorry to say, I will not do that. 

 After ALL we've done to ensure Reagan feels part of our family, I can't imagine looking at all 3 kids in my home and making her feel like an outsider to appease biomom.  I don't get it.

I love my stepdaughter like my own child...and for that I know she and I are BOTH lucky because not everyone feels that way about stepchildren. 

I'm THE mom in my home and I will continue to mother all three children in my home.  Mothers (notice I didn't say all women ;)) inherently nurture their children.

In my house, I make sure kids are fed, clothed, bathed, homework is done etc. It doesn't mean my husband doesn't care or is uninvolved...especially about his first daughter.  Can you imagine the detriment to that little girl if I did everything that I normally do for the other children and not her...WHILE SHE'S HERE? 

Yeah, if I did that, then be pissed at me. 

But I don't.

And I won't.

And of course, we're just talking physical basic stuff here, nevermind the emotional stuff.


So my definition of stepmom is simply mom while at home with us. 

I'm not the one who lives in two homes.
My stepdaughter does. 
I won't treat her cinderella-ish because it makes biomom feel I'm "respecting" her. Quite honestly, it's disrespectful to my stepdaughter and she lives with me half of her life.

I love her and boy, are we lucky our family works for us.