Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Co-Sleeping: An Opinion

I'm a pretty opinionated person, in that, when I feel passionate about a topic my feelings are strong. Very strong.

That being said, I think most people are motivated differently and make their choices based on those motives.

Parenting and education are two of my strongest passions. 

Although my opinions are strong, as a whole, my attitude is generally what works for you is your business and how you parent is just fine.

As a mother of a 12 year old and now again a baby {20 months currently} obviously I can say that I have had babies in two different decades.  I've watched the pendulum swing back and forth. I've seen the trends change with regard to vaccines, nursing, sleeping, carseat care, and feeding among others. 

When Andrew was a baby in 1999-2000, side sleeping was what was promoted.  Over the years, "back-to-sleep" was recommended.

I get that co-sleeping is a thing.  I'm, however, not an advocate.  Primarily, because I don't believe it's safe.

BUT, because of those opinions, co-sleeping doesn't happen in my house. 

I like to sleep. I need to sleep.  If I have to worry about smushing a baby, I'm not sleeping. I talk tweet with plenty of women who do co-sleep with their babies. I have friends whose babies slept with them and then they were toddlers and before long they were children.  I'm not talking about bad dream, sick or a special occasion sleeping.  I mean sharing a bed as the primary place to sleep.

When Andrew was 2 1/2, it was just he and I living together. His dad and I had separated then subsquently divorced. There were nights when he'd wake up crying because of teeth or other typical toddler stuff and I'd go in his room to comfort him and then put him back to sleep in his own bed.  I didn't want to start a habit that I knew would be difficult to break.   Believe me, there were plenty of times when I wanted to have him next to me for my own selfish reasons, but I opted to continue doing what was best for him.

We definitely had special times where we'd have a slumber party and snuggle in my bed, but it was just that...special.  He was able to sleep on his own independently and we also had our time when he'd wake up super early {he was a 6am riser} and come climb in bed with me and we'd he'd watch Blues Clues while I continued sleeping. 

I also considered that if I met someone in the future I didn't want a child to feel he was being "replaced" by someone else in sharing a bed with me. 

I have friends who have buried their babies. Even the slightest risk brought on by co-sleeping was simply not worth it for me. 

Do I feel I have any less of a bond with either one of my children because we didn't cosleep? Absolutely not. I held them, loved on them, snuggled with them, hugged and kissed them and yes, I nursed both of them.

After the baby safety issue {once they've grown a little}, I just don't understand why an 8 year old needs to sleep with a parent as their primary bed. 

Under typical circumstances, I don't think much about it other than "hmmm that's weird, but doesn't affect my life, not my issue."  

My stepdaughter, however, sleeps with BM when she's there.  This is nothing new. Has been going on for as long as I've been around since she was 3 {and obviously before then}.  Well, now there's also an infant in the bed. That brings me back to my safety issue...God forbid, my stepdaughter roll over on that baby.

Beyond that huge safety issue, I think it's weird. 

I don't think it's normal for an 8 year old to be sleeping with her mom. She doesn't want her friends to find out because she's embarrassed. She says she tells BM she wants to sleep in her own bed. I don't know if that's truthful or not. I think for certain there's a codependence on BM's part, but that's not my cross to bear.  Apparently, the husband sleeps somewhere else.

I'm content thinking it's just weird until it causes issue in my house. Clearly my stepdaughter is not comfortable with it because she doesn't sleep well-waking up throughout the night, she sleeps at the foot of the bed sometimes and is embarrassed.  After weaning her {in our house} from sleep issues in the past, this one isn't one we can do anything about at all.  She's talked to her counselor about it and we've talked about it with her pediatrician.  Unfortunately, when a child has to share two homes and the parents are polar opposites, the kid has a lot of crap to contend with.  Sleeping just shouldn't be one of them.

My husband and I don't share our bed with anyone but each other. I'm grateful we agree because the thought of a 12 year old, 8 year old and 1 year old in bed with us...well, it's our bed and we like it that way. We just keep our bedroom as ours--no pictures of our children or anything. Just us. Our lives are filled with so much busy and chaos and children and schedules and exes. Our bedroom needs to be our place away from all of it. So, it is.

What are your feelings about co-sleeping?   The topic is interesting to me regardless of what side you sleep on. ;)

*edited to add:
I'm referring to bedsharing primarily. Lily spent the first 8 weeks in our room in her bassinet.

9 comments:

  1. I am on the same page as you. I dont think its safe...and that cuddle time is special

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  2. We co-sleep when we have to (sickness). But I would not want my 3 kids in bed with me and my husband to sleep elsewhere. Especially since it is our only time together during the day alone. We talk about our days, discuss things to come. I have never feared hurting a child in our bed because I sleep so lightly that, according to my husband, a mouse could fart and I would wake up!

    But I understand where you are coming from. Every Mom has their own opinion and are entitled to it. (as long as it is not made out that other opinions are horrible ect)

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  3. There are times when Maxie buries me, blackens my eye, etc. I'm fine with that. Love you Steph!

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  4. I agree with you. Beyond the obvious safety concern I am very protective of my marriage. My husband and I only have a few nights a week to share a bed. (he works nights) I think my bedroom is the one place where we can be a couple and focus on us. It's our time to talk, share, bond and yes....get our freak on. Marriage is work. I've seen so many friends step away from the roll of wife by bringing all their kids into their bed full time or worse...move into their kids beds. Husband and wife no longer sleeping together and soon the breakdown starts. I'm like you in thinking it's your life, do what you want in your home. But in mine I really need to have that place in my home be for me and my hubby. :)

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  5. I agree with you. Beyond the obvious safety concern I am very protective of my marriage. My husband and I only have a few nights a week to share a bed. (he works nights) I think my bedroom is the one place where we can be a couple and focus on us. It's our time to talk, share, bond and yes....get our freak on. Marriage is work. I've seen so many friends step away from the roll of wife by bringing all their kids into their bed full time or worse...move into their kids beds. Husband and wife no longer sleeping together and soon the breakdown starts. I'm like you in thinking it's your life, do what you want in your home. But in mine I really need to have that place in my home be for me and my hubby. :)

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  6. Steph, I know this is a little bit nit-picky, but technically "co-sleeping" just means sleeping in the same room, as opposed to "bed-sharing" or "the family bed". We have done "co-sleeping" when the boys have been sick (particularly after Salem was hospitalized) just to be able to keep a closer eye on them at night, by putting their pack-n-plays in our room.

    Anyway, it might make you feel better when someone mentions co-sleeping that they're not necessarily at risk of squishing their kids, depending on what they mean by it.

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  7. My has been a fireman for over 30 years, the single most heart-breaking call that he responded to was when a new momma accidently killed her newborn child by suffocating them in her sleep. It was a life changing experience for him and for me. I cannot even imagine.

    As far as sharing a room, we kicked V to her own bed after 4 weeks, she was such a noisy sleeper, none of us were sleeping. It was a smart move.

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  8. I think you know this already but here goes! I only co-slept with both my babies for nursing. How many times I woke up to the baby fast asleep and me fully exposed! But to get real rest, they would then get moved into their own bed. My husband will fall asleep with our son (about to be 10) but will eventually get up and move to our bed. I warned him long ago not to start that but he didn't listen!! And it still goes on. He has relatives who let their youngest son sleep with them until a ridiculous age (when he decided he didn't want to do it anymore) and that made me set boundaries. It was very worth it to me! I however have little problem sharing the bed with the dogs. :-) The beagle keeps my feet warm!

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  9. I'm a cosleeper/bedsharer but I think it's so important to do it safely. (no pillows, no comforters, only me not the husband when they are little, no medications) If it's not done safely, then yes, there's a great risk.

    But frankly, I wouldn't have made it through the first two years with my daughter without cosleeping/bedsharing (we do a mix of both). We nursed and since I worked, she reverse cycled and nursed through the night. I could have either been up all night long or bedshare. She desperately needed to be close to me in order to sleep. If she wasn't touching me, she'd wake up screaming.

    My husband is 100% for it and when our youngest came home a couple months ago, he coslept with our oldest for a bit while she adjusted. She's now in her own bed in her own room by herslef because she is ready for it. I never pushed her nor did I hold her back- it was all about what she wanted and was ready for. She wasn't ready before. She is now. So that's what we do.

    I personally think everyone does what is best for their family, in most cases. I would say your stepdaughter's BM is an exception to the rule. Every parent I know who cosleeps respects their child and their needs. When they need to cosleep, they cosleep. When they need to be on their own, they are on their own. Sounds like BM isn't listening to her daughter's needs, which is an entirely separate issue from cosleeping. I would hesitate, though, to describe other parenting methods as "weird" just because they aren't your cup of tea. Different doesn't have to be weird. It's just different.

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