You're Not my Mother...

Being a stepmother is hard.

I guess if you only see your bonus child every once in awhile, it might be somewhat easier. But in my experience it is hard.

I have had 3 stepchildren in my life.

I say “had” because my former husband was married before me and although his children were a part of my life, one of the sad things about divorce and stepchildren is, they can also be lost in that mess. That is the case in my life. His daughter is now 16 and his son is 13. I met them when they were 4 and 1. My son still sees them when he visits his dad and has always referred to them as his brother and sister. They are a part of HIS life and that is all that matters to me anymore. It is hard to believe that those little, little kids are teenagers now.

The relationship I had with the kids wasn’t hard.

At first, with their mother….it was. I was asked questions from this sweet, loving little girl at age 4 like, “Stephanie, do you know why my mom doesn’t like you?” Those types of questions were sad to me that a mother would put that on their child. After the initial control crap that women try to exhibit, eventually, the mother and I became friends and things were fine over the years. There is a lot more to that story, but she knew I loved her kids and the drama didn’t continue.

Fast forward to 4 years after the end of my marriage, a new man and child enter my life. This young girl is now 6. When I met her she was 3. We have a picture of us together from the day we met.

That very first day with her was really good. We celebrated Father’s Day with G, getting to know each other. She was a very chatty toddler and that day was no exception. At that time G only had her every other weekend and for some holidays, so that first time I met her was brief, but perfect. I was here in Pittsburgh visiting G and the day I met his daughter was the beginning of the visit. Shortly after their daughter had gone back to her mother, G received an email that she wouldn’t be flexible with him regarding time with their daughter again so that their daughter spent time with his “flavor of the month”. That was me. This took place in June 2007. This flavor turned out to be permanent.

In July, that same year, I came back to visit. This time with my son. G and I were both excited and nervous for all of us to meet.
Mind you at this point, I was super optimistic that his daughter’s mother would go through her initial control factor and then chill out eventually.

The first thing this 3 year old little girl said to me when I saw her again 3 weeks later was…”You’re not my mom.” Not hi. Not hello. Wow. So, you think she came up with that on her own or more accurately it was shoved down her throat? Kids just don’t come up with that on their own. I was a little shocked, but told her that it was ok, she had a mom and I cared about her. That was July 2007.

A and I moved to Pittsburgh that Fall.

From the very beginning, we’ve been dealing with drama. I could give a thousand different examples of things this little girl has said over the last 3 years that are shocking, would sicken most people, are saddening and bottom line just hurtful…to her.

One of the most significant things was right before her 4th birthday and her mom asked her if she liked me better or her mom better. Who does that? The answer was me. Which resulted in the mom packing some of her daughter’s stuff and putting her outside the door of their apartment telling her if she liked me so much, she could just live with us. Imagine being 3 years old and this happening. The little girl said she screamed and cried because she didn’t know which way to go. Funny thing is, her sharing this with us, came out of trying to teach her and my son a lesson about what to do if we got separated at a store. “Ya mean like when my mom put me out in the hall and I didn’t know which way to go?”

WHAT???? 2 ½ years later, she STILL talks about that sometimes.

So back to my original thought…being a stepmother is hard.

Aside from all the crap pumped into a kid’s head, there are things that are just frustrating because they’re not always raised the same way. The expectations I have for my son, he has known for his entire life. When there are huge differences in the way a child is being raised, it can cause a lot of frustration for everyone. Yes, kids are smart and know that different rules apply in different places and can follow them. They do it everyday when they go to school.

However, when some of the differences include speaking horribly about my family, “that baby isn’t your sister until your dad and Stephanie get married”, “My mom wants to beat you up, [step dad] wants to beat up my dad, and [stepbrother] wants to be up A”, “don’t let someone teach you how to play basketball right, just do it your way”, “this whole thing is my mom’s fault because she and my dad didn’t get married” and on and on and on, there are many other issues to deal with.

And since she KNOWS her mother hates me, as she’s never been protected and filtered from her mother’s feelings, there’s an obvious loyalty conflict that always occurs within her. In turn, she goes back each week and feeds her mom’s feelings to make her happy.

I read her mom’s blog online.

It’s comical most of the time. But, before there was shared custody, the internet was actually where we discovered some of the allegations levied against us, learned where their daughter went to preschool, saw pictures of events in her life, found out when she went to the doctor among other things, as none of that information was ever shared with her father.

Now, it’s solely for fodder.

I read the other day on her blog that the honeymoon was over in my relationship. Yes, I made the assumption it was us as the details fall into place, but my gut instinct has always been right regarding this woman. (I even predicted her sexual abuse allegations when I still lived in Arizona.)

The funniest part for me, about reading that, was the thought that she thinks because G and I have arguments in our relationship, the honeymoon is over. People who say they never disagree in their relationship are not honest. I bet this little girl didn’t tell her mom about a billion other things that are great and that she gets to experience because when she does, they're either shot down or criticized. Especially since for a long time she wasn’t even supposed to speak her dad’s name with her mom and stepdad. Talk about screwing a kid up.

The saddest part about reading that about us was the pleasure the mom took from it.
For argument’s sake, imagine it was true --G and I fought and ended our relationship. Not once, did the mom consider that HER daughter’s life would have upheaval again. Instead pleasure derived from “juicy gossip about a couple we can’t stand.” Honestly, it’s disgusting.

For the record, G and I argue. We love each other. We disagree. We’re both stubborn. I’m pregnant and sometimes reactive which is unlike myself. I didn’t bite my tongue that day. I was pissed.

Funny though, when one grows up in an unhealthy family and then has toxic relationships, their perception of right and wrong is probably slightly skewed. So, I guess I should feel sorry for her.

I don’t because it’s important enough to me that her own daughter doesn’t grow up with those same patterns.

Which brings me back to being a stepmother is hard.

Half the time, I don’t just have to work on my relationship with this child, I have to counteract the damage done to the child. She’s a great kid and it’s so very sad that she exhibits many of the same negative patterns and behaviors. We’re hopeful that counseling will really help.

What brought a lot of this to make me want to write about it was last weekend when she picked up her daughter, my son and I were leaving at the same time and passed by their car walking to mine. 3 ½ days later back comes the child to tell me “My mom said, ‘Is that A?’ and I said yes. Then my mom said ‘He’s fat just like his mom.’”

Yeah, I was 24 weeks pregnant and don’t care if she or anyone else calls me fat.

My 10 year old child is not fat and it simply shows the mentality she has. But, when you continually hurt your OWN child, why would you care about hurting any other child in this world.

Seems to me even in prison people who hurt children are seen and treated in a different way than general population…

Children are off limits.

Attacking my child is off limits. I can’t control the damage she continually does to her own, but mine is off limits.

All I can do is love this little girl and guide her in the time she is with us each week…half her life.

The movie Stepmom hits on a lot of these experiences --without the evil element, of course. I saw it at the theater in 1999.

The part that has always stuck with me was in the restaurant scene…

“The truth is she can have us both. Love us both. And she will be a better person because of me and because of you.”

Being a stepmother is a really hard job.